Lead Me.

I must be crazy.  I keep thinking this to myself.  I have actually probably thought this almost my whole life.  Its the thing that people think when they are convinced that they can change the world, or a city...or even a fire department.  There I was...in the Command Chiefs office discussing final preperation for what will be the launch of a program that I am starting.  S3AFD has a mission to raise communication between firefighters and families to lower divorce rates, reduce suicide attempts, and give an overall unity to those who keep us safe in the face of danger.  Its a great plan right? 
Well thats what the union chief thought when he approched me about needing to do something, and I pitched him the whole idea.  Nealry two years later its actually happening.  To be honest my husband seems niether surpised nor board by the notion that I would be founder and president to a group that hold government status, and may be taken on as a pilot program throught the united states.  Hes used to the crazy I bring to the table I guess.  To be truthful, no one who knows me seems to impredded in either direction.  Today as I sat at that meating I just kept praying in my mind for God to lead me.  terrified?  Yup, you better believe it.  There is all of the what ifs that we have to talk about here...

What if I do not bring honor to my husband?  What if it fails?  What if I screw up?  ahhhh yes.  However there are the others to consider.  What if my relationship grows stronger with not onlu God but my husband?  What if marriges are saved? Later on in the day between family visiting, school work, and children two songs came to mind.  Lead me by Sanctus Rio   and Legacy by Nicole Nordemen.  Now I am not sure why lead me...cause thats really a mans prayer.  But man if Legacy didnt make me cry when I sang it.  Who am I kidding...so did lead me.  Could it be that God gave me those two?  Tears are pouring down even now thinking about it.  Terrified?  Yup.  Lead and coverd in his grace and love.  Absolutely. 
http://www.sanctusreal.com/
http://www.lyricsbay.com/legacy_lyrics-nichole_nordeman.html

My how you've changed

So if you have known me for any amount of time you know one thing. Things are constantly happening, moving and changing around me, and my family. Some are by choice, some not so much.  So how have things changed now?  Well simple and easiest new change is I have chosen to go back to my natural hair color.  Seems easy enough I know.  However, what you don't know is what this means.  There were a couple of reasons that I chose to change my hair color after I had my son.  Change was one of them.  At the young age of 12 I started dyeing my hair.  Mind you that at 10 my life changed forever.  Not only was I a ten year old that had already started going through puberty, I was taken away from all of my friends and most importantly my dad.  God had a plan. A girl needs her dad as much as she needs her mom.  Part of that is continued encouragement, and a reminder of acceptance.  Since I didnt have a lot of that I thought I needed to change myself to be loved.  I was the  little girl who thought that what she saw on TV or movies or whatever was how I was supposed to look.  I never starved myself, or had any other eating disorders.  I just changed myself.  I wasn't happy.  I get board with myself very easily, and I always would say that's the easiest thing to change.  I have been every color in the book..mostly.  I have been every length in the book.  Anyway while I was pregnant I did nothing.   Satan hates me.  By the way he hates you too.  He wants us to doubt, to hate ourselves, to be destroyed.  So at some point I apparently got antsy again and I dyed my hair blond.  Everyone loved it, and I thought that was what mattered.  My husband thought it was pretty, huge in my book, and for the most part I liked the way it looked.  However I realized something.  There is unrest in my heart.  Satan hates me.  Don't get me wrong.  Dye your hair that's cool, and I am sure I will again..for the right reason.  I realized though that I had done it for the wrong reason, and then I realized something really sad.  I have allowed some people in my life...no wait...a lot of people to hurt me.  I have allowed them to convince me I am not worth loving, not worth standing for, whatever or however you say it.  I allowed that.  Lets face it.  We all know that I want to be loved.  Go back and read about Best Friends being possible.  Yet the only one that matters is the one that not only knows my actual hair color and loves me.  He knows how many hairs I have...and even more...he knows everything.  He knows my worst, and He thinks I am worth EVERYTHING.  He thinks I am worth loving, standing for, and even dieing for.  I know easier said than remembered, but its true.  A person can live a lifetime and not be loved for who they really are by someone here on earth.  All I can do is try and not be like that.  To love to the best of my ability for who a person is.  I know probably some that read my blog are thinking yeah right...she sucks at that...but guess what...if you still love me, then you are doing what I am talking about.  Loving like Christ does.  Okay I'm off the box.  Now the other thing that has changed is I am now a full time student.  HA..HA HA.  Right cause being a stay at home mom of two, founder and president of S3AFD, and a tryer of being a good friend and family member isn't enough.  I know.  I'm crazy, or stupid.  Depends on who you are.  Ill tell you what though.  The one that knows better of how busy I am than anyone is my biggest supporter of continuing education.  Mike has been so wonderful.  He may just want me to be able to make money one day to help get a really good RV to retire in, or mustang parts.  Whatever the reason it means the world to me.  That all being said my initial desire to cook through a cookbook...well...I may be doing it, but you probably wont hear about it.  Cause lets face it.  I should be working on one of my papers that's due this week, but instead I am telling you that I had a bit of a break down and told Satan to shove it, and leave me alone in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ by dyeing my hair.  A side not though...there has been some successful recipes, and some not so much.  Black bean soup form Paula Dean yall...yummy yummy.  I am thankful for my friend  Keke for supporting my cooking habits, even if some of it sucks, and my spouse unit for still thinking I am pretty great even when he could have had a burger and fries for so much less and it would have tasted so much better.  One more thing...I used to love sports.  Then I went and did something so stupid.  I dated a few pro players and began to hate all sports.  Recently I have been able to watch some and I think I like it.  Which I think is just something God kinda healed in me too.  Yeah. I know what your thinking...this chick is wack.  Whatevs yo. At least I know it.  So On February 6th there will be a boring brown headed woman screaming for the Packers, and hopefully surrounded by the people who love her anyway. (that's me)

Black Bean Soup
5 slices of bacon, finely chopped
½ cup chopped onion
3 cloves garlic, minced
4 (15.25 ounce) cans of black beans drained
2 (14 ounce) cans chicken broth
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1 teaspoon chili powder ( I used more based on our spicy desire)
Sour cream and cheddar cheese for serving
Cook bacon over med-high heat for 3 minutes or until just beginning to brown.  Add onions and garlic and cook until onion is tender.  Add beans, broth, cumin, and chili powder.  Bring to a boil and reduce to a simmer for 30 minutes.  Spoon ½ of the mixture into a blender and process until smooth, but be careful when using a blender with really hot food.  ( I used my immersion blender). Return mixture to pan and combine with the other ½ of the soup.  Mix well and serve.  Serve this with sour cream and cheese if desired.