The Next 40ish days

The past week has been a bit challenging.  Emotionally speaking that is.  However, yesterday I was in the middle of a few things and Tatum came running in with a bag in hand from Life Way.  This is a Christian book store that I went to for the first time around a month ago.  That was the day of new stores.  My dear friend Kendal took me to Charming Charlies, which was a wonderful thing, and then to Life way.  I bought two books at the time.  One is called so long insecurities by Beth Moore, and the other is Five conversations you need to have with your daughter.  I have yet to read either.  Anyway, so Tatum brought this bag in and I knew that it was Kendal who had dropped it off.  She had called to tell me she was almost to my house for this impromptu dropping off time, but I had been on the phone with my friend Hope, as she was talking me down from an emotional moment I was having. I had been crying all day the day before, and honestly I had come to the end of myself.  Realizing that I needed to get some help to pray through some things, and figure out some things.  Anyway, so I can get to the point...I rushed out the door puffy eyed, and somewhat confused as to why Kendal was just dropping and leaving.  If you have known me for any length of time you will know that not many people know when I am in pain.  Mentally and Physically speaking.  Only those to whom I trust do I allow into this part of my life.  Not to say that if you ask will I lie as to how I am.  I try not to wear a mask to disguise who I really am.  However, I have leaned to smile, and keep going despite, so unless I trust you will you know why.  I trust Kendal.  I walked outside and I put my arms through the window of her car and just hugged her. I didn't cry, but I did hold on a bit longer than a normal hello hug.  I still didn't know for sure what was in the bag from the book store, but I did know that my friend that I trust had brought me something that I knew God had strategically placed on her heart.  The truth is I don't really listen to many people.  Not really.  A lot of times that's because I don't really have that many people speaking into my life.  That's because most people think I have it all together, or because I'm usually giving the advise.  God has been using certain people in my life.  He knows what hes doing.  Kendal had brought a bible study by Beth Moore called Breaking Free.  We had discussed doing a study together.  In all honesty I didn't think I had the time. However Yesterday I had gotten to the end of myself, and God used Kendal because He knows that of the few people I will truly listen to she was the one that needed to do this part of what is about to happen in my life with me.  I am usually the one helping people walk through things, or encouraging people to read things.  Usually when someone tells me to read...I say I will, but in all honesty I don't.  I don't know why. Time, stubborn, or the lack of opportunity??  God is using a couple of people.  However I started a Bible study yesterday and already I am realizing why God picked this one for Kendal to give to me on the day she did.  Ill be doing it for around 40 days, and I am actually looking forward to it.  I am so thankful for the people that are being obedient to God about whats going on with me.  I dont know what hes telling them, but I am thankful that He is, and that they are listening. Through God ALL things are possible, and with Him I WILL be made whole, and so can you...

my peeps

Today i was talking to a friend of Mine.  I was explaining about my other friends.  When I say friends I am talking about the people that have not just kinda used me for what they needed then thrown me away.  I would like to take a moment to talk about that.  One of my closest friends is someone who has known me for almost half of my life.  She has stuck with me through the good and the bad.  Loved me through the bad and good choices.  Changed her hair with me, cried with me, and laughed with me.  I don't foresee her going anywhere.  Lets face it...she hasn't given up on me yet...There is always Hope.  Funny enough thats her name. Now I have a lot of friends.  I have a lot of acquaintances.  I have then my best friend of which I now share title spouse with.  Hes not just my best friend cause hes my husband.  I think it would almost be easier if he wasn't both sometimes.  However, he is the one I have talked to for over a decade now, and yes been married to for almost seven years.  I have my sisters that were my friends before my brothers married them, and now I get two relationships out of them.  One of them I talk to more than the other, but I love them both dearly.  Codi is the one I talk to more than the other.  She has become more and more of a friend with the last couple of years.  Come to think of it I talk to my family more than I do non family, and they are the closest of my friends.  Its amazing what some friends will do and others would never even think of.  I had one sweet friend stay at the hospital with me so I could sleep and then leave at 3 am to go be home in time for her family to wake.  Unfortunately we are no longer friends, because of some misunderstandings.  So case in point...willing to stay at hospital, but not willing to get passed a misunderstanding.  One of my best friends became my friend when she started a dinner chart to organize dinners for our fam after Camden was born.  We had barely met when she did this.  Since then she has been real, and talked to me in truth and love. I trust her, which is not something I do easily.  Amazingly enough Mike also thinks the world of her husband, and I think her husband might think we are okay too.  This never happens.  Either I have an issue with one of the people in the couple, or mike does...but not with KeKe and B sizzle.  Then there is our friends that we made from the Military.  They live in North Carolina, and although there is great distance They have been a part of every detail of our lives.  Thats what I am talking about.  The people that are willing to meet you...to go the extra, cause that's how I try to be.  That whole treat others and such...  I have Younger friends who act older and value things that others just cant see.  One of them I rarely see, but she loves my family, stands for my marriage, and wants the best for all of us.  Bonnie is only 19, but even as I write that I am amazed and think of her as such an old soul.   there are so many others that mean so much to me, and I try to talk to them often.  However, there are those friends that you talk to all the time...and those are the ones I was kind of talking to my friend Sheena about.  You see recently I have been in pain.  A lot of pain, and not many people know about it, cause I don't like to fuss.  However Sheena who is a new believer, and has so many hard things going on right now has called me, or emailed at least every couple of hours trying to check on me, because I think she saw a glimpse of the pain in my eyes, and she wanted to help.  She has helped too.  The other night she came and helped get the kids in bed, and in just checking in she has helped.  Whats most amazing about this is not only is she in the middle of changing her life, she is also a single mother of three.  I was explaining about my friends to her because I wanted her to know that she mattered to me.  Even if she feels at times, as we all do, a bit worthless, she matters to me.  She has made a difference in this time of my life.  Now weather she can stand to be around me much longer is still in question.  One of the things I told her is a person is blessed if they have even just one true and brilliant friend.  Of those that I can call upon and have been able to do so I have more than one.  I am blessed.  I hope they don't go away, but even if they do I am blessed for the time that they were here in my life.  More so I am blessed that not just my brothers are my friends, but my parents that I talk to daily, my sisters in law, and most importantly my husband.  I know sometimes I sound like a broken record when it comes to some of the people in my life, but I think its important to occasionally take a bit of a look and even jot down the people you really have in your life so you are reminded when you are feeling lonely...you know?

Why you so fake yo?

So recently I have had to take a hard look at some of my surroundings.  Mainly in the people that I surround myself with.  Unfortunately I am realizing that a lot of them are sooooo fake.  WHY?  I mean, for realz though?  Its like when someone sees you and acts so happy to see you then you find out they are talking smak...its just not right.  Whats even worse is when they are supposed to be your family either by blood or in Christ.  Unfortunately I have run into the fake in both arenas.  How do you call yourself a Christian and then act so horribly.  This is not all to say they have been only talking about me.  No, I have noticed the gossip about others behind their backs, and its sad.  Or you have those that tell you that what you are doing is wrong, but then you turn around and BAM, there they are doing the thing they were telling you not to do.  Im just saying....Be like Christ, do your best, and stop judging, lest ye be judged and stuff....ya know?  Reach out to those around you.  Love one another, for love is of God, And God is Love. 1st John4:7-8  I used to sing a song about this.  anyway...seriously.  Its ticking me off here people.  You shouldn't have to leave church functions and need to go see a councilor every time cause of the drama.  Does anyone else know what I am talking about?  Am I just ranting for my own insanity?  If I am than thank you for letting me get it off my chest.  If I had it my way I would take all the good real peeps and kick all the rest off the island, cause it just sucks some times.

Osama no longa

The big bad wolf has been killed, identified, and tossed into the sea.  Last night Mike and I watched the president announce Osama is dead.  I know its not the end, and that he has so many that will continue to send out his evil tasks. However, I could not help but cry tears of joy.  It wasn't at his death.  It happens every time I hear the national anthem, bag pipes, or anything that might remind me of a military funeral.  I waited for a year for Mike to come home.  I was not engaged to him, there were no promises made, and I had full intentions that we would just end up being friends.  I wrote him every day.  The mail lady knew our story, and would rejoice with me when she saw Free Postage on the envelope, because it was from him.  news would travel at about 14 days per letter.  I loved him.  I couldn't hide from it, but I was prepared for a life just as friends.  I sat with his mom everyday on her couch just watching the news and waiting for news.  None ever came from the news, just one letter at a time.  Last night I was reminded of all of that.  I know that there are many that fight. Many that leave families behind.  Many that wait.  This moment was mine and mine alone, because its Mike.  I waited for a year.  I wrote him every day and I waited for him to come home from a way that was being fought because of the actions of Osama and the men under him.  I am proud to know him.  He has seen things none of us can imagine, cause they were seen through his eyes during a time that the war was at large.  He lost friends, and in some ways parts of himself.  He served honorably. He came home and has now been identified as 50% disabled.  Sure no one else sees it, but I do.  He hurts, when no one sees.  He is my husband and I am proud of him, because even though he did not catch OBL, he fought in a war against his evil.  Thats all...I just thought I should say that.

do you have any idea who needs you?

Lately, and when I say lately I mean for the last 6-8 years I have been feeling a bit...looser ish.  Why you might ask?  If I have permission to be completely and utterly raw with you its because I have been convinced by a dirty crook that I am nothing.  When I look back on my life I have had many successful events despite the rather large road blocks that have been thrown my way.  That all being said you would never know that I was a beauty queen, or daring enough to jump out of a plane, or smart enough to miss over half of my high school career, and still graduate on time.  Where did that person go?  Well that crook also lied to me that all of this was impossible for me to be anymore.  I will not keep you in suspense.  Yes I do know who that crook is...its Satan.  All of the things that you would not know about me now were all true.  However, I walk with low self confidence in my appearance, have found myself afraid when driving in a jeep with the doors off, and cannot seem to figure out simple ways to get my house clean and not be bitter about it.  One of the people that knows me best, because she has been there the longest is my dear friend Hope.  Recently she was woken by the holy spirit and felt like she was being told some things to pray about for my husband and me.  Today I was talking to her and I was explaining about some of my fear and she was astonished, and said that's not the Laura I met.  Of course I am also not the woman my husband married either. Id like to think in some ways I am better.  However, he married the one that Hope met.  The other day to be honest my words were, " I feel like I am a waste."  What in the world would make me feel that way?  Yes I have lost a lot pf friends, and yes it doesn't help that some mean people have said mean things, but what about Gods opinion?  HELLO???  I find it easy sometimes to forget what he says about me...and then I look at my kids, or I see Mike look at me the way he used to, or an old friend reminds me of the truth.  I hate to admit that right now I am leaning on some of the people around me to remind me of what God says about me, and I think its okay to admit that I don't mind someone saying something nice about me.  I don't have a lot of people I will listen to.  The ones that I do know who they are.  I'll be honest that if you don't think your one of them its not because I don't care about you.  Its that I have been hurt, and although I may seem like I get along with the world only certain people have seen me without any mask, and have shown they still love me. I cherish those people.  SO whats the title of this post about?  Well, today I had to take my kids to school with me.  Its kinda a big no no in the collegiate world.  Whatever I didn't have a choice.  I was all kinda of nervous.  I already feel like the people in class don't like me cause I stand for a lot of the things they stand against.  That and I am old, and they are...well cant even drink legally yet.  Today I was able to encourage two people who in all intensive purposes have never talked to me.  It happens a lot.  The joke is that I have a Bennett forehead(that means its very big)  People say there's just enough room for there to be "tell me your problems" written on it.  We all have this happen to us..all of the Bennetts that is.  In this way I am special, because people feel like they can talk to me, and I am blessed to have a God that tells me what I should say, or not say.  SO today when I was feeling looser ish I was reminded that even if I never jump out of another airplane again, never am told I am beautiful again, and never graduate from college there are people out there that may need to hear me say" you are special the way you are" or "hold on cause God will heal you and use you" whats even better about today was I heard my words, and I listened to them.  If today and those two people were all I was able to minister to than that's pretty good.  However, I don't think He is finished with me yet..

School surprise. Beware this is a long one.

   SO I am in school, and in my humanities and English class I had to write a paper on a personal issue.  This is a first draft.  After writing it I realized...God is amazing...duh...and I need to share this if you want to read it.

Based on a Doctors Advise

I was fifteen and I was in pain.  More pain than I had ever experienced in my life.  The commotion was overwhelming.  Each new face starring at areas of my body I can only reach with a mirror was confirming my worst fears.  I was headed for sergury.  As the doctor administered the anastesia he counted down and assured me that when I woke all would be well.  The truth is that day changed my life forever.
            As doctors they take an oath to first do no harm.  Granted no harm was done, but aside from the excruciating pain that I felt after the surgery there was not much help either.  I was diagnosed with Indometriosis.  Most women in the world have a little bit of indometriosis.  In layman's terms it is when the lining of the uterus gathers scar tissue because an over abundance of bleeding.  Most women fare well enough and find that it is cured with vaginal birth of a child.  Due to complications of this operation they had to close up early, and a lot of it was left.  Over the next couple of years I would face three other operations, all with failure to clear the scar tissue and blood.  I was seventeen now.  Vivacious, full of life, and ready to change the world.  I was not willing to allow my operating room visits to change my life, or my goals.  However, my body had a different plan in mind.  As I stood talking to some friends I felt the strength leave me, and I collapsed.  This was nothing that I had experienced before, and being rushed to the emergency room I could not help but ask why.  I was healthy.  If a person did not know me they would see that I was active in basketball, ran two miles a day, and all around strong.
            Two weeks passed.  The visitors were less and less, and my moral was even lower.  In the two weeks I was in the hospital I lost over fifteen lbs, and still had no explanation of why I could not move.  I had toobs in every opening to my body, and I was scared.  My doctor came in and informed me that we would be going into surgery to remove my colon.  If they didn’t proceed that day I would die.  I was alone, so I called my mom.  None of this made since.  As soon as she arrived my mom demanded an explanation, but was not given one that made any sense, so we chose to leave against medical advise.
            I started to get better, but the pain would come in waives.  Finally it was bad enough that I was back in the emergency room.  Dr. Grahm was a man in his thirties.  Tall and skinny.  His face was welcoming and I found myself at ease because he was young enough to wear the brown leather suspenders, but not old enough to intimidate me into not asking questions.  When he came to talk to me he explained that I had a very strange and rare case.  I presented with four kidney chambers instead of two.  That being the case while I was in the hospital they would not have seen the large kidney stone that was lodged in the second of the two on the left side.  The only reason he causght it was because they allowed the radioactive dye to drain longer during the test they run.  It wasn’t my colan at all.  I was just a strange human with more organs than most, and the pain would be taken care of as soon as they removed the kidney stone.  It did exactly that.  A year later the news reported that the doctor that was going to take my colon out had gotten his license revoked for male practice.  He had been taking colons out of the youth in the area in a strange psychotic break that had fallen upon him.
            A year passed.  No pain, no operations.  I was a normal high school graduate enjoying my independence and life of travel.  Until the pain came back.  It was the indometriosis, back in a stronger case than before.  The only way to take care of the issue was to completely remove the source.  I would be receiving a hysterectomy at the age of nineteen.  I would never be able to have a child aside from adoption.  I was devastated.  My dreams of being a mom were over. Who would want to marry a woman that could not have children?  I had no choice.  I signed the paperwork, understood what was about to happen, and once again I heard the countdown and the reassurance that everything would be fine.
            When I woke the doctor explained that they were able to get all of the indometriosis without giving me a hysterectomy, but I would still never be able to have children.  He put me on two forms of birth control as a way of therapy to keep the bleeding from doing any more damage.  I still had a uterus, but no dream of a family left to speak of.
            My life wasn't over, but my dreams were going to have to change.  I soon married and my husband and I both decided that in around five years we would start looking into adoption.  Six months into our marriage I noticed pain again.  Except the pain was accompanied by tender breasts, and a bloated feeling.  I was pregnant.  I became pregnant while on two forms of birth control, and a doctors council that I would never be able to conceive.  The pregnancy went by with no issues.  I changed doctors due to insurance issues, and was given a different diagnosis by my new doctor.      Tatum Adeline Davis is now a very healthy fifty pound, curly haired, blue eyes joy.  She tells people she is five, but Im convinced she is actually fifteen.  After Tatum was born I went to get prescribed birth control, at which time the nurse practitioner insisted that I needed to have an implant that would resist pregnancy for at least five years.  My doctor rejected that notion as well, and assured me another pregnancy would be no problem when I so chose to try.  Two years later we tried.  We tried for another two years with no luck, until there was.  I was overwhelmed with joy. However, one can never know pain so quickly after a flood of joy like the pain of loosing the child you tried so hard to get.  Within moments my doctor when from confident to unsure.  Unsure as to if I would be able to conceive again, if Tatum had been the only Blessing God would allow this un willing body that I live in.  A month later I became pregnant again.  At eight weeks no one would have believed that I would carry the baby to full term.  The blood was more than imaginable.  As I sat in the emergency room every doctor, nurse, and bystander watched in sadness as I hemorrhaged before their eyes.  Every look said what we were all thinking.  The doctor came in and offered to give me something for the pain, and I refused.  Not until I knew for sure that the baby was gone.  The pain was unbearable but I couldn't tell if it was my abdomen, or my heart that hurt more.  While the ultrasound tech tried to find a sign of life my husband and I stayed silent.  He held my hand and knew there was no way.  Thump, Thump, Thump.  If you have never heard the sound of an eight week old baby in uturo just know that it is the most beautiful symphony I had ever heard.  After what seemed an hour waiting for a sign on the ultrasound table we had a heart beat.  Strong, and very much alive.  The baby was protected by a sac that was surrounded by blood.  It is what is called a subcorrionic bleed.  It is something that heels itself as the baby grows.  So the pregnancy continued.  The next couple of months came and went with little to no excitement, until there was.  At seven months I was noticing pain with urination, and left plank pain.  That was usually my sign that it was kidney related.  I went to the doctor that found the four kidney chambers years before and he confirmed that I had not one, but four kidney stones.  Two of which were sending me into renal failure.  The option was surgery, or failure.  The problem was that the baby was too young to be delivered, so I was operated on while the baby was still in utero.  I was told that I, the baby or both could die.  The baby could also come early, or everything would be fine.  I was told to say goodbye. 
    When I came out of surgery I was greeted by a male nurse who assured me that the baby was fine, and they got all the stones out.  Shortly after a woman came to transport me to my room.  Still groggy and a bit confused I asked again about the baby, and the woman said the baby is fine, and they would allow me to see him once I was more awake.  This was of course after she first responded with, “baby? there was a baby?”  Back in my room I asked my mom to explain all that had happened.  There was no stone removal.  The baby was still inside of me, and I had a stint that would have to be removed after delivery of the baby.  None of the accounts I received were accurate.  The stint became an issue as well as the stone that were trying to pass.  They sent me into labor, and I remand in that state for three months with intermediate drug therapy to make contractions stop. 
    On August 9,2010 Camden Isaac Davis was born.  A healthy six pound fourteen ounce baby that brings more joy than I could ever have imagined.  He is now eight months old.  Although his pediatrician has tried to rush to diagnosis of disformed head, tumors in his testicles, and poor vision, none of these are the case.  His head is much like his grandfathers, he is a very well endowed little boy, and he was not yet eight weeks when his vision was in question.  Before you ask, I don't know if we are going to have anymore.  The point is that I can.  Despite what the doctors might say.  The issue is that I am not the only one who has delt with misdiagnosis.  granted not many have delt with as many misdiagnosis as I have.  I understand that doctors are people, like you and me.  I understand they are practicing medicine.  The issue is that so many times in my not very long life I was told it was over.  Some how or another.  A dream, a life, whatever the case, it was over.  The truth is they didn't have all the answers, but they tried to make decisions that could have been so final.  By the grace and Wisdom of the greatest physician of all none of it was, and I now have two beautiful reminders of the love my husband and I share.  The issue is the trust that I have over the earthly physicians is little to none.  I may have to walk the rest of my life in question over my health, and never really understand what is going on.  However, hopefully I am able to allow wisdom in before anyone makes another decision that can change my life again.